Squidward finds love
by Jacob is so mine
Summary: Squidward falls in love and Spongebob is his wing man. Really funny and sweet, better story then summary trust me, please read!
1. small talk

Squidward falls in love

It started off as any ordinary day, SpongeBob was being his annoying self, and Mr. Crabs was fighting with Plankton yet again. I was reading one of my dance magazines when I saw her. This girl was beautiful. Not just beautiful, in fact she was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen in my entire life. Her skin was a brilliant shade of green and her eyes were, they were a perfect oval shape and were a pool of blue. She was everything I had ever wanted in a girl to a tee. She was wearing a beautiful light pink silk blouse with frilly sleeves. She looked like angel. Her hair was beautiful too. She had a gorgeous brunette bob with suttel blond highlights and peek-a-boo bangs.

She came up to the counter and with the voice of an angle she said "Excuse me, do you have anything low fat?" She watched her figure, what was she doing hear, at the greasiest pace in bikini bottom? Well no time for that now, you have to answer her, and fast. "Wwwwww we ha ha ha have salads." I said stuttering. Wow, I sure sounded like an idiot. "Ok, I'll take a salad, oh but no pickles, I'm allergic." We have so much in commen. "Wow, mmmmm me ttt to." "Really, that's interesting, maybe it's a squid thing." "Yyyyy yah, may may maybe." "Um, I'm gonna go wait for my food now", she said starting to walk over to a table. Right, her food, better give that order to Sponge Bob. "Sponge Bob, one salad, no pickles." I said threw the window. "Sure thing squidy, hey do you like that girl, do yah, do yah, do yah?" "Maybe." "She's cute, go ask her out, now, now, now!!!" "Shut up and make the food." I said closing the widow.

About two minutes later Sponge Bob handed me the salad and said, "Hey, go bring this over to her and ask her out."

"What do you know about getting girls?" "Hey, I read books." "What have you been reading?" "This." He said handing me a book. "How to get a girl 101." "How's this working out for you?" "Not bad, I've been trying to get Sandy." "Make any progress?" "Oh yah, she wants me." "I'm sure she dose."

"Hear, turn to chapter 1, the first steps." He said opening the book. "Let's see what it says, be bold, make mild small talk nothing too stupid like the weather but nothing personal, never ask about her age or how much she weighs." "That's actually not bad advice." "I know right, hear I'll take this back, I need it for later tonight when I go on my date." "You got a date with Sandy?" "Yah, she says it's just 'friendly' but she knows she wants me, she just in denial." "I hope that works out for you SpongeBob." "Me too, now go on, she's waiting for her food, go make your small talk before someone else gets to her." "I'll try."

As I started walking away I hear SpongeBob say, "I hope this works out better then the whole Mrs. Puff, Mr. Crabs thing." I remembered that, it was terrible. "Hey, hears your salad." "Oh, thanks." "So….." "So what?" "So, did you just move hear, I've never seen you in town before."


	2. What am I getting myself into?

**Authors note: I would just like to say, thanks so much to the people who reviewed, you're all awesome. If you keep reviewing I'll keep writing.**

"Um, I just moved from rock bottom." She said.

"Oh well do you like it hear?" Hey, talking to her is easier then I thought it was going to be.

"It seems fun, it's nicer then where I was, a lot brighter too, that place is just plane

dark and boring. The people there, don't even get me started on the people, there all so weird, and I can't understand there acsent at all, I mean what's up with spitting in between sentences, stupidest acent I've ever heard."

Damn, she could talk and talk and talk. She went on like that for twenty three minutes. At least I didn't have to say anything, I would have started babbling on about nothing, she could keep great conversation. I admire that in a woman.

Unforchenitly after those twenty three minutes she said the worst thing ever……. "Well, enough about me, lets hear about you, come on, sit down, I'm sure your life is more interesting then mine." Now, what exactly am I suppose to say to that, my lifes not interesting, not in the least. The most interesting thing that's ever happened in my life has involved sponge bob and I really don't want to talk to her about him.

"Ummm……….Well………lets see……I've…….um….." This was really going great, come on interesting, think interesting. "Well I……I jelly fish." Nice, now you sound like your SpongeBob, I mean when have you ever done that squidy.

"Jelly fishing, interesting, what is that exactly, is it complicated?" Didn't every one in the deep blue sea know what that was?

"It's when you go out in a field and catch Jellyfish with a net."

"Oh, sounds fun, I'm sure your really good at it, do you thin you could take me one day?" Oh God, what was I getting myself into, I don't know how to jelly fish and she thinks I'm like a pro now, this is great, just perfect. Well, I got myself into this. I have to say something.

"Uh, sure, I'll take you some day, since I'm so great at it, I can even teach you." Teach you, did I just say that? Who was going to teach me?

"That would be great, how about next week."

"Sure, that sounds perfect." Looks like I have one week to learn to jelly fish, oh no, SpongeBob is going to have to teach me, I'm going to die!!!!!! Well, maybe not, if Patrick can do it then anyone can right, I mean it's not like he's the smartest person in the sea. On the other hand maybe he's so stupid he gets stung and doesn't even notice. That reminds me, I'm going to get stung!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This weeks gonna suck!!!!!!!!!


	3. Why does God hate me?

**Authors note: Wow, I can't believe I got 45 hits in only 3 days!!!!! Thanks so much for reading this people and by the way I just noticed I spelled unfortunately wrong in the last chapter!!! Sorry about that. I'll totally try not to spell anything wrong again. By the way, thanks so much for the tips, they really helped. **

"So, I guess I'll see you next week." She said as she threw her trash away. That's when I remembered, I have to learn to jelly fish in the next seven days!!! Oh God, I still need to ask SpongeBob for help. This may be trouble.

Well the sooner the better, better go ask now. "SpongeBob."

"Hey Squidy, How'd it go? Did you ask her out, huh, did ya, did ya, did ya?" God, why'd he have to be so annoying?

"Yah, I asked her out, and before you ask, she said yes. Were going Jelly fishing next week."

"Wow, Jelly fishing, that sounds so fun, I didn't know you could Jelly fish, I bet your so good."

"About that, I was wondering……"

"If I'm any good, if we could make it a double date, if I could invite Patrick?"

"God SpongeBob, stop guessing, I was wondering……….if maybe………you could………."

"Could what?" He said interrupting me, God the nerve of him, well I guess it was kind of taking me forever to say this but still God that nerve, maybe I should just stop thinking about this and spit it out.

"I was wondering if you could maybe teach me how to jelly fish." I said so fast it was a jumbled mess.

"Wait, let me get this strait…..you…..want me…..to teach you…..how to jelly fish?"

"Um hum."

"Oh this is going to be so much fun!!!!!!!!!!" He said jumping up and down and dancing like an idiot. God what did I just get my self into? Nothing good. "Oh were going to have so much fun, this is going to be great, we can make our own nets and invite Patrick, and Sandy, we can have a whole party. When were done we can have a graduation ceremony!!!!

"God please, just kill me now." I said looking up at the sky……….It didn't work. "God, what did I ever do to you?"

"Squidward, who are you talking to?" SpongeBob said looking up with me.

"Nobody, no one important anyway, that's right, I went there!!!!"

"Squidward, you can't talk to the sky like that, what did the sky ever do to you?" SpongeBob yelled at me.

"It's what it didn't do." I said looking back down at SpongeBob. I guess if I wanted my date I was going to have to go threw with this.

"So Squid, when do you want to start your training?"

"Well, my dates in a week so I need to learn by then…..and I kind of said I was good….so a you know, maybe we should start tonight."

"I'd help you tonight but I have that date with Sandy, though she could come too I guess." Sure why not, lets just have the whole world see me make a fool of myself!!!!!!!

"God seriously, why do you hate me? What did I ever do? Is this punishment for being so mean to SpongeBob all the time? If it is I swear I'll be nicer!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Squidward, why are you swearing to God, jeez first your mad at the sky and now him, do you hate me too?"


	4. Not my boat!

**Authors note: Thanks to all of you out there who have been following this story I can't believe I'm all ready on the fourth chapter and I would just like to say I won't disappoint. Just one more thing, Squids girl needs a name and I have no idea what it should be!!!! If you guys have any ideas please write them in a review. If you come up with a good name then I'll totally use it in the story!!!! And give you credit of course so come on!!! Read and review!!!! Think of a name!!!!! It would make me sooooooo happy!!!!!**

I had gotten out off work twenty minutes ago and I was now headed to meet SpongeBob at Jelly fish fields. This was going to be great……..Yah, not really.

When I got to the stupid field the Sponge was no where to be seen…..I waited ten minutes and still nothing……. After about five more minutes I saw him riding in on his stupid little unicycle….that's when I remembered he didn't have a boat. No wonder why it toke him so long. Why didn't he just ask me for a ride? Well…maybe it was better if he didn't. I can barely deal with him in open area's let alone small spaces. That's like suicidal!!!! I mean just think about it….me and him in a boat together.

***Vision of Squid and SpongeBob in a boat together.* **

"Hey Squidward, are we there yet, are we there yet? Now are we there, are we almost there, how about now? Squidward why won't you answer me? Oh my God, look at that over there. Do you see it Squid? Do ya, huh, do ya, isn't it beautiful? Why won't you answer me?

"Can't you see I'm trying to concentrate on the road!!!!!!!"

***CRASH***

*Out of vision* Oh my God that was horrible, really horrible!!!! I really hope that never happens. It's ok squidy, don't think about it!!!!! Don't think about it, don't think about it-

"Hi Squidward." SpongeBob said coming over.

"Ahhhh!!!!!" I started screaming.

"Squidward what's wrong? Are you ok? Squid are you having a heart attack or stock or something?

I was on the ground…I guess I passed out from my vision. "Squidward, do you need mouth to mouth resuscitation?" SpongeBob said as he got on top of me and started giving me CPR.

"I'm ok SpongeBob, I'm alright, please get off of me now." I said comely.

"Ok Squidward, whatever you say." SpongeBob said getting off of me. When I got up I quickly scanned the area to make sure no one had seen those resent events because let me tell you, that last part looked just plain wrong……

Luckily no one was around. I guess it's back to business then. "Ok, SpongeBob, I guess we should start this thing." I said walking into the field.

"Oh but wait young warrior, you are not yet ready to enter the field. This field is only for the more advanced warriors, like myself. You must first start with the basic training exercises!" He said stopping me. What was up with him, was he actually serious? And what was with that ridicules accent he was trying to pull off? He sounded like a mad man!!!!!

"But-" I started to say.

"But nothing", he said cutting me off.

Well if you can't beat him I guess you might as well join him. "SpongeBob-"

"You must only refer to me as Master Sponge."

"Ok fine…..Master Sponge what is my first training activity?"

"You first must master the art of sneakiness because if you're not sneaky you will never be able to capture a Jelly."

"Ummmmmm……..ok, how are we going to do that?" I asked truly puzzled.

"Well for our first activity we must sneak into the chum bucket without being noticed and discover Plankton's secret recipe. Do you think we could take your boat?"

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


	5. Authors note

**Authors note: All of you who have been reading this SpongeBob story guess what……I'm now writing a Twilight story!!!! It's about Emmet!!!! If you have read twilight and like comedy please check it out. It's the funniest and longest story I have yet. Oh and don't worry. I'll still be updating this story as currently as I have been. **


	6. barnacle headed rookie

**Authors note: Wow, 115 people have read this story!! That's so cool. I wish those people would write a review. That would be so cool to have that many reviews. Too bad most people don't bother to write one. To all those people who actually bother to take the time to write a review I would just like to say thank you. Thank you so much!!!!!!!!!!! **

Since I really didn't want to be alone in boat with SpongeBob we decided it would be better if we walked to the Chum Bucket. We walked and walked and walked and walked and walked….until we were finally there. Yah, it was a very long walk. My feet were killing me when we finally got there. And if you think that's bad, you haven't even heard the worst part. The whole walk there SpongeBob was whispering, "Squidward that's not sneaky, I can hear your every step." Well I'm sorry SpongeBob, I'm sorry I can't walk like a ghost like you can. I'm sorry my every step is louder then yours. You wouldn't walk so quietly if you had as many feet as I did. Really you wouldn't but do you think about that, no. No you don't you never think of what walking would be like in my position!!!!!

"Well, at least were finally hear." I said.

"Gosh Squidward, can't you ever be quite." SpongeBob whispered angrily. I swear if I didn't want to empress this girl on this stupid date so badly I would have slugged the stupid sponge so hard in the face by now you wouldn't be able to tell which end of him was which.

"Ok lets go in." He whispered. I didn't know why we had to be so sneaky anyway, I mean Plankton was probably asleep and his stupid computer wife would most likely be unplugged by now.

"SpongeBob, this place is closed, the doors locked. How do you suppose we get in?" I whispered. This time so quietly there was no way SpongeBob would even consider yelling at me. Well he might yell at me if I was so quite he couldn't hear me but that's beside the point.

"That's a simple one, we'll just sneak in threw the hole in the wall." He said like it was so obvious.

"What hole in the-" before I could finish my sentence he had cut a hole in the wall. "But….how did…you….?"

"That's for me to worry about and you to forget and by the way, didn't I tell you to call me Master Sponge?" Oh damn, I though he would forget about that.

"Sorry……Master Sponge." Gosh, doing this was so degrading.

"You coming or what?" He said going into the hole.

"Don't you think Plankton's going to notice this big hole in the wall?" I asked as I followed him in.

"I've got it covered." He said as he pushed this button on his watch and it was like the hole was never there.

"Cool." I said staring at it. "Where'd you get that from?"

"I know people."

"Sponge-"

"Um um."

"Master Sponge."

"What?"

"Don't you think were going to get caught on a security camera or something."

"Squidward, Planktons never had a real customer in his life, do you really think he can afford security camera's?"

"I guess not but hey."

"What is t now?"

"How come I don't get a cool name?"

"You really want a cool name Squidward?"

"Yes."

"Ok, I'll start calling you barnacle headed rookie."

"That's not a cool name."

"Yes it is."

"No it's not."

"Yes it is."

"No it's not."

"No it's not."

"Yes it is."

"So you agree with me."

"No!"

"But you just said-"

"You tricked me into saying that."

"But you-"

"Shhhhhhhhhh."

"What?"

"Do you hear that?"

"Hear what?"

"He's coming." SpongeBob said as he pushed us both under a table.

"Karen, are you in hear?" Plankton asked coming in with a flashlight.

"Yes dear, I was just getting a midnight snack." SpongeBob said surprisingly sounding a lot like Karen.

"How did you-" Before I could finish SpongeBob had his hand over my mouth. Right, I forgot we were trying to be sneaky.

"Ok." Plankton said turning around.

"That was close."

"Wait a second, you're a computer, you can't eat!" He said turning back around. Were screwed!

"Did I say snack, I meant I came in hear to……screw in a loose bolt."

"Oh, ok, goodnight Karen." He said leaving the room.

"Now, we have to get into the kitchen." SpongeBob whispered as he pulled me down the hall.

Once in the kitchen we searched for the safe witch contained the secret recipe. "Master Sponge?"

"Yes barnacle headed rookie."

"Why do we even want his secret recipe if it's so bad no one ever eats hear because of it?"

"Well…..I don't know, it's just a test."

"Waste of time."

"Do you want to learn to be sneaky or not?"

"This experience has taught me absolutely nothing."

"Oh barnacle head, your such a barnacle head."

"Would you stop calling me that."

"You're the one who wanted a cool name."

"How many times to I have to tell you, barnacle head is not a cool name."

"Yes, that's why I'm not calling you barnacle head, I'm calling you barnacle headed rookie, now that's a cool name, not as cool as my name but-"

"SpongeBob-"

"Master Sponge."

"Master Sponge, look over there."

"What?"

"There it is." I said pointing to the safe.

"It's beautiful."

"It's all rusty and old, how could it be beautiful."

"Oh Barnacle headed rookie, your just so un experienced that you don't understand true beauty."

"Or maybe your just crazy."

"Gasp, are you disobeying the master?"

"Yes, yes I am."

"How could you, that's so rude."

"Can we just open up the safe now, it's getting late. I would like to go home eventually."

"Ok."

"Wait, what do you think the password is?"

"Um well…..gee this things so old and nasty, do you really think it has a password?"

"So you agree?"

"Agree with what?"

"That this safe is old and nasty."

"Whatever, lets just open it." He said changing the subject. He knew he agreed, he just didn't want to admit it.

"Oh my God!"

"What?"

"I got it opened."

"So?"

"So what?"

"So what's the secret ingredient?"

"Oh right, that's what we came hear for." He said as he un folded that paper that supposedly had the secret ingredient. "OMG…it's…it's…it's."

"What, what is it" I screamed. That's when I remembered. We were suppose to be sneaky.

"Who, who's in hear." Plankton said coming down the hall.

"You idiot, were so dead!!!" SpongeBob said as he pulled me outside threw another hole. I guess I hadn't mastered sneakiness.


	7. 4 am wakeup calls suck!

**Authors note: Sorry I haven't written in 3 days, I had to do a science project and study for a Spanish final. Now that that's over I can final write!! **

After leaving the Chum bucket Spon- 'Master Sponge' told me that I had to be up and ready to meet him at Mr. Crabs house at four am. What the heck were we going to do there, try to steal his secret recipe? I mean he was my boss; If I wanted to know it that badly I could just ask him or something. And why four am? We get back for the Chum bucket at twelve thirty and he expects me to be up, ready, and alert by four am. That's like only three and a half hours asleep. I need my beauty sleep or I'm going to end up looking like Mr. Crabs, I mean have you ever seen that man up close.

Talk about old and wrinkly, and did I ever tell you how sweaty he gets. Sometimes he smells worse then Patrick. And trust me, Patrick stinks worse then the socks in Davey Jones locker, and you can smell those things from miles away. That's probably why Patrick doesn't have a nose he was probably born with one and it just shriveled up and fell off, or ran away. I know if I was Patrick's nose I'd run away.

But anyway, back to the point, what could we seriously be doing at Crabs house at four am? You have any guesses?

**4 A.M. the next morning**

"Oh Barnacle headed rookie, it's time to get up." SpongeBob yelled into a blow horn.

"No, I need at least six more hours of sleep before I can possible even think of getting up!!"

"If you don't get up I'll just have to get you up the hard way." He said again in the blow horn.

"No, not that, anything but that!!!!!!!!!" I yelled. He couldn't get me up like that, not again.

"Could you keep it down, some people are trying to sleep!!!" I heard Patrick yell.

"Squidward you have four seconds to get out of bed before I put the tape in the recorder."

"Which tape?"

"I think you know which one."

"I don't care, play it, I still won't get up!!!!!!!!" Before I could protest anymore he turned on a tape recording of him laughing and turned the volume to full. I think all of Bikini Bottom could hear him at this point.

"Why isn't it working?" he said after five minutes of me still not moving.

"It's been over ten years, I think I've grown immune to you laughter."

"Well, good thing I brought a different one", he said flipping the tape over.

The tape started to play SpongeBob's original song, Stripe Sweater. "The best time to wear a stripe sweater is all the time. One with a collar, turtle neck, that the kind. Cause when you're wearing that special stripe sweater-"

"Ok, I'm getting up." I said as I slowly walked into my closet to get my shirt for today and get ready. "Lets see, brown or brown? Um I think I'll go with the lovely brown one at the end. But should I go short sleeve or short sleeve? Such a hard decision on clothing.

"Squidward, what's taking so long?" SpongeBob yelled again.

"God SpongeBob, you have no respect for neighbors!" Patrick yelled.

"I have no respect for neighbors, who's the one stinking up the whole town!!!"

"Excuse me, you did not just go there."

"Maybe I did maybe I didn't."

"Oh, so now your trying to be funny well ha, ha, nobody's laughing Square Pants."

"You just laughed."

"NO I didn't!!!"

"Yes you did, sarcastically."

"Oh so now your trying to bring my mom into this."

"Your mothers name is Sandra, not sarcastic!!!"

"You saying I'm stupid, like I don't know my own mothers name!!!"

"Well technically you don't."

"Go someplace SpongeBob, just go someplace."

"Then go some place else."

"I live on this street, I have as much a right to be hear as you do!!!"

"Since when is this a street, and why do you live on a street, you homeless or something now?"

"No, my house is right over there!"

"Then why are you outside at six am?"

"It's not six, it's four."

"You trying to say I can't tell time?"

"Just go back inside your stupid rock!!"

"I will, but we will settle this later young man."

"I'm older then you."

"Fine, then we will settle this later old man."

"I think I could have a more spirited debate with your rock then you."

"Oh yah, then why don't you talk to it because the star fish ain't lessoning." He said closeing the rock door.

"I'm ready", I said finally getting out of the house.

"Squidward?"

"Yah?"

"Why do you have a paper bag over your head?"

"I don't know, why don't you ask the goon who wouldn't let me get my beauty sleep?"

"Who's the goon, Is it Patrick because I wouldn't call him a goon, he's more of an imbecile."

"Nope not Patrick."

"Then who?"

"Take another wild guess."

"Can I have a hind?"

"There name starts with an s."

"Sarcastic?"

"That's not a name!!!"

"Well what's the second letter?"

"P and then o, n, g."

"I have no idea who that could be."

"Well anyway, what are we even going to do at Crabs house?"

"Oh, you'll see."


	8. Vote in the poll!

**Authors note: Ok so I needed a name for Squid's girl and I got a lot of names for her from all you people who wrote them in a review. I'm not sure which one to use so I put up a poll!!! Please help me out, the polls on my profile, read it, chose an answer!!!! The sooner you do the sooner Squids girl will have a name and the sooner he can go on his date!!! So hurry up or he'll be doing things with SpongeBob forever and never be able to go on his date!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

"So what are we doing hear anyway?" I asked when we got to Crab's house.

"I can't tell you, you need to find the power with in you to know, and to do that, you must take the bag off your head."

"One, I have no idea what your talking about, it's four am, I can't think this early in the morning, and two there is absolutely nothing you can do to make me take this paper bag off my head, so just forget about it, your lucky I'm even out hear at this hour!"

"I have two things for you, first if all it's no longer four am, it's almost five and second of all, what do you mean I can't make you take that bag off your head? I have the power to do anything!!!!!!!!"

"Whatever, lets just get on with this…………………………………


	9. Guide to Jelly fishing

Authors note: Sorry I haven't added to this story since Wednesday, I just kinda didn't know what should really happen next…..anyway, hear iss what I came up with, hope you enjoy, if it sucks tell me, I'll change it.

Ok so we were at Mr. Crab's house and SpongeBob finally told me what we were going to be doing hear, he said we were going to try sneakiness again….oh this was just going to be great. Now how exactly are we going to be doing that you ask? Well we were going to be reading a diary I know what your thinking…Pear's diary right? Nope…….guess again…….that's right the creepy old man has a diary.

Why you would need a diary if you were a man, personally I have no idea, it's just disturbing on so many levels, and why would anyone want to read it. You know sometimes I think SpongeBob may be crazy, no, scratch that I always thought he was crazy but now, now that he wanted to read a creepy old mans diary he had reached a whole new level, a level that was much, much worse.

"SpongeBob, did I ever tell you, you were crazy?"

"Yes, constantly." Hum, I thought he didn't know that, I don't remember telling him…. Oh what ever.

"Well, you've officially reached a new level of crazy."

"Cool, did I break a record?"

"Um……if I tell you yes would it get us out of hear faster?"

"Yes."

"Then yes, you did break a record."

"Am I now in the book of world records?"

"Um………sure."

"Then lets ditch this place and go look at my picture in there, I knew when that dude took a picture of me last week it had to be for something important, I bet that pictures in the book now."  
"What dude?"

"The dude from the book."

"SpongeBob, your not in any book, I was lying so we could get out of hear sooner."

"Suidward, jelly fishers do not lie, it's like in the book of jelly fish rules."

"There's a book of rules?"

"Um hum."

"Would this book teach me how to jelly fish."

"Yah, I guess it would, that where I learned."

"Do you have the book?"

"Yah, it's at my house."

"Bye Spongebob."

"Wait, where are you going, were training!!!!!!!"

"Not anymore were not."


End file.
